arguing….again. And I knew what would follow, there would be slaps and kicks and pushes and shoves and the tearing, stinging sound of my fathers belt against my mother’s skin.
A part of the little 8 year old me
wanted to run out to the living room, where it was clear now the voices
were coming from and save her. After all she was my mother, who cared
and nurtured us all, what right did he have to do that to her? To hurt
her! To make her cry? And if I could forgive him for hurting her all the
while, definitely not now when she’s heavily pregnant? How could he?
But I knew going out to defend her only meant more trouble for her. It
would mean that she had taught me to do so, to stand up against my own
father.
As if I didn’t have eyes to see.
I saw first hand scenes such as this,
with their ugly, devastating and shameful consequences one too many
times throughout my childhood. I saw it lead to the end of my parents’
marriage over 24 years ago. I have endured the effects of and the damage
abuse could cause in the lives of all those involved and that is why I
share this story. For you see, we all talk about domestic violence and
it’s causes and why it must stop, forgetting that domestic violence is
first and foremost about one thing: abuse. Abuse gives birth to
violence, but sometimes abuse stays at just abuse and it does not make
it any better just because it hasn’t escalated into violence. Physical
abuse brings pain, but so does verbal and emotional abuse. Degrading,
demeaning and humiliating words emanating from the lips of one who is
meant to uphold and nurture you have the ability to tear one down,
killing the spirit bit by bit. It destroys love. It destroys trust. It
destroys relationships. It destroys lives.
When you are constantly told something
negative about yourself, I don’t care how strong you are, if you stay
around long enough you will at some point begin to act out that
negativity, you will portray it, you will become it. If you are told
that you are stupid often enough, you will become, well, stupid. You
could hold a high flying job or a first class degree or even be a
billionaire. It doesn’t matter.
And that is why it is imperative that
once abuse starts, it has to be curbed or snuffed out in its prime.
Better still it has to be walked away from. We make the mistake of
thinking that our achievements, status or position make us immune to
abuse. But the truth is, anyone, man or woman, can suffer abuse in the
hands of a loved one, ask Halle Berry, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Rihanna,
Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, the list goes on. The good news is, we
have no say in what someone else chooses to do but we have a choice as
to what we allow our minds and thoughts to be fed regularly. The Devil
is brilliant at the tactics he uses to destroy greatness and believe it
or not, abuse physical or otherwise is one of those tactics. It is a
tool which when used well, destroys the greatness associated with two
people who God has joined together for a purpose.
The abuser loses control of himself to a
force or power he “can’t explain or control” and in one moment of anger
could do or say things that he would later regret. The ” abusee” is
physically and emotionally damaged to the point where he or she has
totally lost faith in themselves and are stuck in one place, unable to
move as a result of fear and uncertainty. The relationship becomes a
shadow of itself, devoid of the blessings of God. And the children, if
any? They are marred and scarred for life, unable to fully have
confidence in themselves and lacking the much needed balance they need
to grow up into adults.
In the end, everyone loses.
If you are a man or woman, reading this
and you know you are abusive physically, verbally or emotionally to your
significant other, you have allowed yourself to be a worthy tool in the
hands of the devil. I know, I know you did not have a meeting with the
devil where you set out terms and conditions which led to a deal being
sealed on you being his agent, but you have effectively given him
control over your life thus allowing him to use you to destroy the life
of another and more importantly the gifts and greatness of God inside
them. But you have the power to change that today! Identify the
triggers, those things that make you fly off the handle and make a
pledge today to begin to work on them. Is it alcohol? Stress from work
or otherwise? Infidelity? You have the power to stop the devils control
over your life, the Bible says if you resist him, he will flee from you.
Take back full control of your life today, admit your wrong doing and
take the necessary steps to be better before it is too late. Your life
depends on that decision, but so does the lives of everyone in your
family because you will give account for how you have treated them.
To you dear man or woman, who on the
other hand, is suffering abuse understand this: the enemy has seen the
greatness in you and he is out to destroy it. And the abuse you are
putting up with is his worthy tool! Your husband or wife is just the
transmitter. Stop the devil in his tracks, today. Identify his workings
before they exhibit and learn to walk away. Remember when the goldsmith
keeps hammering away at a specific point, it is because he wants to
leave a mark.
Don’t allow the devil that luxury in
your life, his aim is to break you and make you a complete opposite of
who you have been called to be. Kick him out today! Thinking he/she will
change when he clearly doesn’t want to is damaging to you. Stand up and
say no, if you do not accept it it will not continue, the only reason
it continues is because you have allowed it. You can’t complain about
how bad someone treats if you haven’t first asked yourself why you are
accepting it, people learn how to treat you by watching and observing
what you tolerate. As Tony Gaskins said, the first time it was a
mistake, the second time it was a choice, the third time it became a
habit. Nip it in the bud.
Lastly but most powerful of all is the
power that the abuser and the “abusee”have to work together to defeat
the enemy of their greatness. It takes confessing and admitting to
mistakes made, saying I am sorry and meaning it and consciously doing
all it takes to ensure the act does not repeat itself. On the other hand
it takes forgiveness and acceptance and the ability to look past the
mistake to the source. When Peter tried in the Bible to get Jesus to
denounce and give up his calling, Jesus said to him “Get behind me
Satan”. He knew who was at work and addressed him pointedly. Understand
the devil is at work and find a way to defeat him together with God on
your side. And I promise you one thing if you would do that…
You will win.
But if however, all else fails and you
have done all you can but nothing seems to change then I tell you it’s
okay to walk away. I know how hard that can be especially when the
relationship is on a deeper level of commitment or when kids are
involved. But stepping out of an abusive relationship does children more
good than staying in it. Kids raised in such homes end up
dysfunctional, lacking confidence and would eventually find themselves
attracted to members of the opposite sex who are exactly like their
abusive parent or become abusive themselves, case in point Chris Brown.
In some cases, they end up growing up as orphans if the abuse escalates
into violence. So leaving an abusive relationship sometimes might be
what is necessary for you to do. Pray and take decisive action. You
deserve better and you have the right to maximise the gifts and talents
in you. Never allow it to break you, instead use it as a stepping stool
to even greater glory.
Now to my awesome readers and
commenters, (I see and appreciate you all), what would you view as abuse
and where would you draw the line? Have you ever suffered any type of
abuse in the hands of a loved one? If so, how did you handle it? Did you
stay, leave or work it out?'......
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